- As the sun rises from the far eastern horizon, so will her hopes together; embracing another new day to soar through the endless skies only to fall past the distinct line that seperates earth and heaven to pave way for the diamond strewn velvet night sky where her dreams will take its rightful place...
KEY OF UR HEART.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
i want to write something. just something. recollections of fond memories, of the bad as well, heart-wrenching moments, expressions of euphoria, day-to-day happenings.
i want to put everything down here, as much as i can. but seems like everything's stuck up in the mind. how much i wrote in the past couldn't seems to capture the exact details, the exact feelings, emotions. something's missing. and when i look back, i couldnt help feeling a lil devastated.
if only the mind has a tape recorder, one that is constantly playing. one that captures all single lil details. cos u see, many a times i feel incomplete without each and every single previous lil memory. i can remember the happiness, joy, pain, hurt, sorrow and every other emotions that goes with it. but that's not enough. i wnat to paint an exact picture in my mind. a step-to-step orderly recollection. thats how insane i get sometimes. the human brain's deficit is one that i'm not very happy with. or maybe just mine.
i read a story not long ago, about how everyone has this lil key. this lil key is the key to happiness. this lil key can be deposited at many places..work, relationships, family, friends. when deposited at a particular area, that particular area is the only source to happiness. when things go wrong at such areas, or when such areas did not meet up to our expectations, we find no joy in life. i've placed this lil key of mine in many diff areas during my growing up process. and sometimes i wonder, am i being truely happy? it seems like i've been constantly trying to please. to make others happy, sometimes at the expense of myself. i've grown up a good 22 years without acknowledging the importance of that lil key.
at young,i've placed that lil key with my family for as long as i can remember. i've never been truely happy till i was 18 i guess. relationship with my brother, as most of my closer friends know, has never been good. i hated him to the core. not out of plain jealousy, but cos of the ridiculous things that he demanded from my parents, for making life as difficult as possible for me. we fought like cats and dogs, and the amount of blood lost in the process can soak many tissues. i've placed it at my favourite sports, getting high whenever i cleared the bar at high jump, crossing every hurdles, running every single kilometers, shooting hoops, and many many others. i've placed it too with friends, enjoying dates with them. the simple things like catching up over coffee. i've placed it at the wrong areas too, wanting to get a feel of a rebellious teenager trying to find her own identity. i've been dead drunk on the street, hanging out with the wrong cliques, swearing and cursing. acting like an "ah-lian" at times. this is my past, one past that i never find happiness in. at 19, i've placed the key with my boyfriend. the first guy i ever placed tt lil key with,or constantly try to. the past two relationships before i was 19 was insignificant, cos i simply do not know what love is really about. back to the present one, i've placed tt lil key a good deal of time in him. everything simply have to resolve around him. for a long period, my happiness seems to come from this one source only. but there were many disappointments, tears and unhappy moments. i constantly ask myself what has been going wrong? why is the only one thing that makes me happy, makes me very unhappy at times? at times, it felt that i'm missing out on sufficient attention, care and concern. This often dampened my mood for other stuffs. friends, family, sports do not seem to be able to put smiles back onto my face. however, overtime as our relationship grows with time, i slowly learn to take back tt lil key. i find myself much happier, not relying on someone else to give me happiness. tt nonchalent attitude has kept me happy a good deal of time, i try to slowly release, release the dependance that i know i can never really get from him. this makes me happier, the process wasn't easy. but i'm proud so far. that lil key will still be with him at times, but it will be with me more, a good deal of time.
learning to keep that lil key with me has made me a happier person thus far. i try to take it back from work, family, friends, boyfriend. the process ain't easy, but the outcome is definitely rewarding. i find my own source of happiness. and if i cant find it, i create it.
keep tt lil key with u, and u'll find urself much happier =D
